And now I'm 30. Some say that you have to earn your 30's, that they are the new 20's, that it is the decade of learning who you really are. I can accept that but its not how I fucking feel.
I hate it and I have plans to fight it every step of the way. I am not vain but I will get my teeth whitened. I will burn off a few layers of skin on my face. I will spend more $ of face creams that are full of vitamins & chemicals. I will wear push up bras all of the time now, even weekends. I will drink more water & eat more broccoli. I may not sleep more but I will run more. I discovered recently that I am still pissed about being cheated on, kicked out & left with nothing. Running seems to help, baby steps, baby steps.
I am very depressed about the whole 30 thing. It means that being able to date & sleep with whoever you want is no longer considered normal. It means quitting smoking (booooooo! but I did it anyway). It means my biological clock has a decade left and that's it. It means the bright eyed, bushy tailed version of me will start to mature in ways yet to be discovered. So, I've chosen my path, PhD. It seems like a good goal for the moment as it brings hope. New town (never lived anywhere else), new culture ("Hey Puto!" be no more), new university (love that idea!). I need to do this. I've always stayed at home and had many of the same friends for half of my life (which is awesome & I love them all very much), but I need to go out and explore. You only live once, I think the Strokes said that, just kidding.
Then there is the dating. Hmmm, met a man at a party, had some fun & then almost 4 months later, it turns out that he is insecure. I see a pattern emerging. Not sure if it is a momentary thing of if this is a problem for him, either way it is not my problem & I can't fix it for him.
I've grown a lot in the last year and that is the proof, we all need to work on our own shit. Every day that passes my previous marriage seems more and more like some insignificant thing, like part of growing up & not part of life. The memories that stand out are those of me & my friends doing the crazy shit we did, not the stuff I did with my x husband. Ether way I'm happy that it is starting to fade so much it is almost transparent. I remember all of the things that at the time seemed like they were in the background, not the forefront. Like all of the time I spent doing burlesque, or art, or studying, or the belief that the reason I did everything alone was because that is the way relationships work, guess what, its not. I should have left my x husband when I was 24. It would have made more sense. That is when he stopped involving himself in my interests. What a fucking piece of scum. It just can't say it enough, it is not okay to cheat on someone.
So again I find myself at the best little escape I can find, listening to great rockabilly on the ipod, on the verge of tears. I have not cried in by favorite diner yet, but I've come close. I don't think it will happen because I have a crush on the waiter. I kind of always have, I've come here for weekend breakfast ever since I can remember. Before he was hired for sure. He is handsome, sarcastic & has a tattoo of a bicycle on his arm. And he has a really nice ass. I think because I view him from afar while seated, it stands out a bit, the niceness of it. Fits my M.O. But alas, I don't know his name or the first thing about him other than his parents are still together & both teachers. I also know he is the same age as me. I need to start sitting in his section but more often than not its is full. Sigh. I've never seen him out at a bar, or a show?? I've never seen him at the local art house viewing a bad horror midnight movie, is it because he has to be up so early in the morning? I've always dreamed he slips me his number on one of those little pieces of paper he takes orders on. Why can't I ask a guy to coffee? Or out for a pint? And the one time I did, I freaked & dressed super conservative (not my style at all). Ok, we don't get everything perfect the first time.That was last week. Ugh! I'm thinking a wee bit of shopping, a good run at the gym & some art might help this situation. I'm a hot mess today and all because I'm thirty.
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