I stopped blogging because I met someone, who, as the txting turned to phone conversations turned to a night at the movies turned to spending every night together, seems(ed) worth getting to know, let alone screwing. And now I am convinced that I am going to get broken up with for the following two reasons:
1) I realized I liked him more than a lover and asked him to declare his intentions
2) I reacted with the "you gotta do what you gotta do" attitude to 2 situations
oh, yeah, and there is a third
3) I have no idea how to be in a relationship
We'll call him Mr. Late. Mr. Late contacted me through one of those online dating sites that those of us who are too cool for school are embarrassed to admit that we got suckered into. I am one of those people.
I had been involved with any number of men this past year, from normal dudes, to upstanding fine young citizens (who turned out to be quite amazing in bed, but annoying as hell in person) to the perfect man with deep sage eyes who knew how to wine, dine, dance & treat a lady (yet alas, he was an alcoholic and would show up at my place drunk) to a drug dealer felon (and yes, the condom fell off, a series of STD tests over the course of a year came back clean, need to make better choices!). But because I believe that people say what they mean and mean what they say, I liked what I read on Mr. Late's profile. What do I have to loose, right?
And so I followed my own rules that have taken every failed relationship to come by, believing that this man, Mr. Late might be boyfriend ready. I contacted him back in my organic "chase me chase me" way. Its like fishing, the fish don't just swim up to the plastic bobber, hook & salmon egg & chomp on it, you have to move it in front of them to get noticed. The only game I will play. "Hey you should txt me sometime" to which I replied "Or you could txt me (and included my phone number)" and that bit of snotty, sarcasticness got me a really fun summer, some new and great experiences that I had always wanted to try & all with a really fun man, who I feel(t) great around. . . until today.
The best was the cute way he asked me to be exclusive. We were driving in his roadster, top down, moonless night, he looks over at me, turns down the radio and says, "I'm really bad at this." Wait, let me preface with. . . . I am down for anything, will try anything and can find something about everyone that I enjoy. But Mr. Late has it all, he is sarcastic, smart, together, funny, attractive, insecure in really cute ways, but mostly, I find him inspiring. Then enter the car guy phonemona, I didn't know, I sware, until after I had agreed to meet him for a movie the first time. I sware, car guys will be the demise of me. Anyway, I'm thinking, bad at what? Bad at board games? introductions? picking out shoes? "Are you seeing anyone else?" to which I say "Nope." Which at that moment I realized was the first time in a very long time that I had only been dating 1 man. There were some interesting nights in living memory that I had to figure out how to manipulate because I had double booked dates!!!! My red headed whiskey drinkin' frined helped me get out of that prediciment many, many times! Thanks girlie!
Back to the story, I realized that I organically ended everything with the 6 that I had been seeing all at the same time. It was all very amicable, but there were 6! That was a date every night, with one night left over to wash my panties & shine my patent shoes! I decided that meant something & agreed on the spot to only see him. It felt so good! But sometimes our insecurities get in the way, like the night of mystery where we had agreed to chill yet I received no communication between the hours of 11pm & 3am. Of course fate would have me knock over his powder room trash can and tunnel vision on a reciet marked with the date of the mystery night & the approximate time of his non-communication beginning. Why? I felt like such an asshole & so stupid!
My marriage ended because my x fucked someone else & hid it from me until his conscience caught up with him ("You are a good woman and you deserve a good man who treats you as you have treated me") I'm not a jealous person & never have been. Divorce did not create this reaction in me. Two other things did, years ago I decided to live a transparent life, and if something involves me, I have every right to know about that thing.
But I am totally insecure about agreeing to see someone & them not showing up, with no convo in real time about it. I think that is normal & has nothing to do with divorce or cheating. But I decided to check some references on this idea. Would that piss of a non divorced person? I asked five today, and they all said it would piss them off.
So I did the right thing, put the trash back in the can and decided that it was none of my business, I would ask him about his intentions & go from there. Stupid fate, it must like trash cans! Another weird night happened, we had agreed to meet for quiz night, he showed, then left for an hour & a half & met me at my house. It just felt wierd. Then there was last night, poor guy, we ran into his xwife & he got into an argument with an old flame. he seemed out of sorts, so offered to stay at my own place, to which he replied "I want you to stay" so I went, to his house. Out of the kindness of my housemates heart, she agreed to care for my pets so that I would not have to come home before going across town. . . .and as fate would have it. . . . I txt to inform that I will be there mere moments after him, and he informs me that he has decided to go for a drive & will be a while. Over an hour later, I am woken by his soft shadow over me, inquire if he is ok & try so hard to pull myself out of sleep on the off chance he needed to vent or talk. He says " I went for a drive & went to have coffee" ok, I was half asleep, so that is what I hear. I am not exactly sure what he said, not for lack of trying to remember. So today, he shares that his day is not going to well, and I share that mine is not either & whys are exchanged & it ends up a convo about why bother to share & why days are crappy. Mine was my bosses mood- but I was out of the office all pm so mine got much better : ), but also that I was sleepy & that last night was a bit strange & that I wished he felt comfortable enough to have "coffee with me" as in share what is bothering him. I also share the why share, because, I am starting to care about him as more than a potential lover, and if there was anything I could do, I would do it. No one deserves a crappy day, even though they happen to us all. Then I get the "I think we need to talk" msg. Ugh
Ugh
Ugh
I really, really liked this one, this Mr. Late. Best thing that came out of his mouth, "you have to give honest to get honest." I'll definitely remember that one. So Mr. Late, I like you, a lot, but mystery nights & foggy sharing of emotions are a point of contention soooo, we shal see what cometh next.
I am reminding myself of all that I have learned over the last year, the wisdom I now have, how much stronger I am than I have ever been. But especially the part about having no clue about relationships, and the fact that I am getting tattooed in 1 hour, and that there is ukulele club meeting tonight & a punk show too boot! I wonder if he will join me for those activities, or he will join the long list of never hear from me agains??? Cheers- the tattoo calleth my soul.
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