Pharcyde put it best, "Can't keep runnin' away." Maybe I've over done it. Maybe I am truly afraid about my health because a condom or two has failed. Maybe I've called into work a morning or two because I was hung over or having an anxiety fueled freakout. Maybe taking myself out all of the time has helped me regain my sense of safety. Maybe I change all of my plans around, in an effort to please a man even though he will never know that I already had plans and that I have now pleased him. Maybe I've explored sides of myself that are so undefined I have no idea what I am doing. I'm slipping back, back, back. Why? I think I have the answer, I love everything about single life except for the being alone part. And I have agreed to be exclusive with someone, and I still feel alone. Just like much of my marriage. So lets explore this one gently because as I wrote the last sentence, with no draft, just a stream of consciousness, I felt my anxiety spike and a tear well up in my eye.
Ok, it has officially been an year since I got divorced. And not the weird time in between when the act has happened and the ink is dry. Nope, I consider myself divorced from the moment that my ex husband put that energy forth and made it an option for my future plans. I knew then and there that it was over no matter what I wanted or thought or was willing to try. I also knew right then that I would never consider taking him back into my life. I don't think we should offer that as an option! I lied right through my teeth and said "I don't care if it is a friendship or a relationship, I just want to be in some sort of ship with you." I don't lie and when it happens I feel really guilty about it. I did not feel guilty about this. I sat there on my club chair, hating him with every fiber of my being for wasting 7 precious years that I could have invested into things that would have bettered me as a person and possibly a good relationship. I hated him so much and I knew I had to let the hate go or it would eat my insides. So I did and I forgave him, before the ink was dry mind you, for what its worth, I am glad to have the life I have built for myself. It sucked loving unconditionally to have it not returned.
I have fought to bring myself back from the cliff of insanity. My family, friends, and therapist have helped me fight by supplying cases and cases of ammo, a tank or two and I have fought so hard to believe, even if I didn't feel in that moment that I am worth getting to know let alone that someone on this earth.would be a great match for me & I for them. I have learned that it is more about the energy between two people than the stuff between two people. I felt that this weekend when the dude I am seeing canceled plans with me & I ended up dirty dancing with a dude that I have way more fun with ( I think?!?!?!) That is the part that sucks! You are not really sure of yourself and therefor you are not really sure of your true feelings. No clue how to resolve this one yet.
Lightbulb moment, something just clicked about the whole give it time thing. You have to have time, alone time, to process all of the post break up crap until it doesn't hurt anymore, THEN, if that wasn't enough you have to have time to unlearn the patterns and behaviors that are now part of you even though they were never meant to be.
Lighbulb moment number two, should you be with someone that you meet outside of the things that you enjoy in life? Like a referal from a friend or from a dating service?
Anyhoo, I am with someone and still feel alone. I lived like this for a very long time, about 1/4th of my total time on this earth. And I am stuck in this place of wanting an answer. Is it this or that? Do I feel this or is this just a bit of junk from my past bubbling up? Should I be with this guy even though I feel alone when I am with this other guy, I don't feel alone? I think I have the answers, all I have to do is ask myself "What would the roommate do?" Let's see, she would cry with me, then she would say, "It all the same thing. Because there is no difference between this and that or feeling now and junk from the past. And no, you dumb ass, because then you are truly doing this to yourself, the common denominator is you. You are doing this and it is not bad, it is just how you feel. And you are in-charge of what you do with those feelings."
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