Of Mice & Men

Ok, now what? Getting rid of stuff that makes you act & feel unhealthy is a good thing! I like what I'm doing & who I'm seeing. But now what? For the first time in a long time there is no big problem, no big drama, nothing to resolve. I forgot what that is like.
I'm not sure it wise to research at the moment. Through all of these dates & men & experiences I've learned the following thing: if I feel good, authentically good, then it is good. But I know I'm not there yet. I'm know I'll be there when I figure out where "there" is. That's the goal. Where is "there?" Is it being in love? Is it realizing that you have to be a whole person before love will find you? And what is wrong with going out and seeking love? Are you supposed to do that?
My mother says if you do what you love, he will somehow be there. My best friend says that you have to let love find you. My roommate is kind of all over the place about the whole thing. But what do I think?
I think that I have a lovely young gentleman who spends a bit of time with me every now and then. I like it. We have fun, good christian fun and dirty adult fun. So maybe that is where I am at. . . . I need to have fun & the second stuff feels like work, I freak & I'm out.

But then the other night. . . . . I went to the pool hall to blow off some steam and then there were 3. The tall one tried so hard, so very hard, and I loved it. I had no make up & was wearing a tee shirt, cowboy boots & old faded jeans. Oh my, he bought me cocktails, played pool & got inappropriately drunk himself telling me how sexy I am. It was almost funny. Do women actually fall for that crap? Oh god I hope not! I would like to think more of my own gender! Nope, not me! Not opposed to meeting gents in seedy bars, I love seedy bars! It would be nice to be with folks who also love them as I seem to spend much time at them. Anyhoo, I gave this young gent my business card. I know he will never call & I will most likely never see him again. I'm beginning to think that stuff like this happens so that I can try out my flirting skills to keep them fresh. Also, I think stuff like this happens so that I begin to learn to recognize if there is a snake in the grass, or if it is an adorable  mouse, with cute ears and soft fuzz on its face.

Eureka! We get hit on, because we are women (duh), and we can either fall into the trap of a snake, get bitten and have toxic venom coursing through our veins, or get squeezed to death and slowly eaten until there is nothing left of us. OR option B, we learn to see the snake from a mile away and we start looking for the mouse, with its nervous little mannerisms. Mice are prey, they are timid & always alert, but under the right conditions, they take ballsy risks like running across the freeway, of stealing the cheese from a mouse trap. And every once in a while, you see a little mouse dude, totally at ease, sunning himself & enjoying his little mouse life.
So where is my mouse? Is he right under my nose taking me out a few times a week? Playing dominoes & drinking pints. Rubbing my feet under the table & visiting me when I have my period and want to stay in & sleep for a night. I'm not sure if the guy I'm seeing is a mouse, but he sure ain't no snake & that is all that I care about. Mice are good, I'm one day closer to being in love again, and I will take every opportunity to learn about men, but I think the research will take a new direction. No more full disclosure, because its no longer about them, its about me.