The Marbled Polecat

Dear Muskrat,

I could not decide between coffee or tea this morning. Eventually I realized I could make both. Before that miraculous thought unleashed itself in my mind, I had a bit of a fuss. You see dear Muskrat, I am saturated with loneliness. Academia has not resolved it, marriage did not resolve it, divorce reinforced it, loss of friends and family woke it up just after it had begun to slumber. Moving clear across the country on some money fueled ill advised freedom ride gave it strength. The good people at Life Change Therapy tried to extinguish it. Sometimes shopping keeps it quite for a while, at first because it has to help me carry the bags of knit and cloth, sparkly lipstick & beautiful shoes. And after because its voice is muffled by a giant pile of tissue papers, shiny bags that have nice ribbon handles, tags & prices, the plastic fasteners that always make holes in delicate fabric and that the vacuum never seems to suck up, and those extra buttons that I am never sure what to do with.

All I know is that this morning as I was beginning to rise from slumber the loneliness was floating around me like a fruit fly, not really forceful enough to bother me, but noticeable. And wouldn't you know dear Muskrat, within an hour I was in tears, because I couldn't decide between coffee or tea. My dog was very confused as I talked him through the whole scenario of one or the other, but not both. He just looked at me with one ear perked up and blinked one eye as if to say, "humans are crazy, all of them." And I realized that I was not speaking of coffee or tea.

I was speaking of home. I have two homes that I can not be in at the same time. It is a very lonely place to be. I miss each one when I am away from it. I need to let my heart break. I need to let it fall to pieces and to feel the lonely. I need to embrace and except the lonely. I need to listen to what it is telling me instead of ignoring it of covering it in a pile of shopping trip. I think it is saying that it is ok to be lonely. I think it is saying that having two homes is not a bad thing. I think it is telling me that friendships are what make a home. I think it is saying that relationships can be more important than friendships, but friendships are what carry you through life no matter what state your relationships are in. Some of my deepest friendships are with people I see only every few years, but they are the ones that matter the most. They are the ones I would drop any thing for, re arrange my life to accommodate, spend every last penny I have to get there, and never ask any questions about a 2am phone call that both requires immediate action and does not make much sense.

So with the thought of friends near and far and the beginning of resolution on lonely, I resolve to feed my soul by doing the following things today:

I will indulge in what is known as "foofing" (soak in water laced with sea salt, red dye 40 and fake rose scent, paint my nails & dye my hair) so that I feel fancy like a marbled polecat instead of a plain coffee colored mink. Marbled polecats are no different than I, they are just more exciting to look at.

I may or may not start adding whiskey, condensed milk and two sugar cubes to my afternoon coffee. But either way, I resolve not to spill the beans on myself.

I will scratch my dog's belly while I lay in the middle of the floor and ponder the little things in life I am in awe of.

I will clean my apartment & do my laundry while listening to bad top 40 pop music (feel free to judge me but if you have not tried it Muskrat, dancing around in your undies while singing LMFAO's party rock anthem and folding socks is quite freeing).

I will do one adult thing today, like pay my bills or get my tax documents together.

I will throw one snow ball (Muskrat, we finally got real snow!!).

I will do one of 2 things tonight, either make sweet love to a soulful man or go see some live music ( I think Cass McCombs is playing). If I get any smarter today, I may realize that I can do both.

Oh Muskrat! I think that the phrase "change you attitude & change your latitude" is applicable to the notion of lonely. I hope you find warmth & nourishment to dissolve your lonely today too.

Most Sincerely Yours,
Mink